I am so tired of trying so hard to just live or want to. I take my meds, listen to my therapists, and try to stay busy though I have mental disabilities that keep me from functioning in the real world. They have checked for lesions in my brain and have not located yet though I do have an essential tremor, headaches, ego state changes, and memory problems. My dad died this year disinheriting me and it is not about money so much, but I feel so much pain. My sisters3 are all in the will and trust but I got sober 15 yrs ago and my dad didn't. I could not go around all that alcohol and alcoholism. I hear ya "whoknew" on the medicare stuff, but the truth is it still sucks to get dropped by your provider b/c the govt doesn't reimburse them enouhg. I am having a double mastectomy on the 15th. I needed a support system in place, not one pulled out from under me regardless of money. It is all a moot point. I'm super intelligent so you don't have to break it down for me so simply. It is the higher moral dilemma I refer to when I am in crisis. and I'm in crisis. I'd be on the street if my best friend did not help me. Or dead. Two stays in the Psych ward were enough to tell me I had better be serious if I ever try again to check out. I thought I was serious and I burned journals and got my affairs in order, made out my will, and I am still giving my stuff away because I think that is were I am headed, I have lost hope there is help out there or on these pages. I'm tired of hurting so much. Fema helped with the flooding issue from MAy's natural disaster, and two of my pets have died in the last year and a half that I had 15 yrs. I have been taken to court by debt collectors who have maliciously harrassed me by driving by my house, parking across street. Nobody cares. They think I was paranoid till I showed them pictures of care at lawyers office only 1.8 miles away though they wrote me from arkansas. Such discete and yet I have so many med bills and the majority of the bill was late charges, overlimit charges, and interest that went on for over a year and a half. I don't even have a bank account or assets. The doctors wrote judge but he did not have any compassion though I have been legally disabled since 2002 and diagnosed with a paper trail since 16. I am 45 this week. I just want to be taken care of this time. I feel 4 or 5. I can't be big anymore and what alternative do I have. I can check out or keep being this way. Everyone says it will get better, but it has not. Something else happens like this mastectomy stuff. My body hurts, I am bipolar 1, rapid cycling, PtSD, sever, and straight up DID. I hate eing this way and I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore. I had a breakdown and I am so smart and so gifted, but I just can't function in the economic world, nor society really. I want to give up everytime I walk out to the garage and see the rafters and the ties that old the ladders up. One is down and sometimes the blue cord brushes my head as I go by like a vine reaching for me. I'm not psychotic, just sad and really really tired of my life. I've tried to read all the links and find something anything else that fits, and nothing. I wish God would just take me like Jacob's ladder so I don't have to do anything to get to a better place. I hate being this negative and down, but it is the truth.
